Nostalgia

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The most painful moment of my entire life and consequently the most unforgettable was the last night I ever spent with her.

We just lay together, helpless to save our relationship. I laid awake holding her body intimately close to mine. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t physically let her go because she was forcing me to emotionally let her go. I could sense her unease at first that she was restraining her desire for me so I wouldn’t be tempted to make love to her. She lay awake for a bit, as if guarding herself against the idea of having me awake beside her with that temptation. She gave in and fell asleep soon. Not I. I lay there all night, clutching the most beautiful woman to my chest. I truly loved her with all my being. She felt like a part of me. The best part. I was helpless, I was hopeless. It was excruciating. I thought of death and drowning and falling for eternity. I swore to never feel that way again. Even the worst pain is worth one memory of pleasure and sometimes those memories are the same.

Request

She asked me to draw her a picture of a castle once. Her castle. She was a princess you see, and I thought her my queen. I could never fulfill this request. All I could draw, could paint, was her. She filled me up: my eyes when shut, my mouth when empty, my heart when unsuspecting.
It was just a picture of a fantasy, an image of a dream she once had. We dreamt so grande together once. But dreamers always weep.
A painting she could never touch, never taste, never feel. The sight of a place she would never be. With a glimpse she would visit but never plan to stay.
I could not paint you a castle, my love, for that would never suffice. I would have built you one. With this heart and these two hands I would have spent my life building something wonderful with you.
Now all I have are your framed images of joy and hope and love, captured recordings of expressions you showed me once. You showed me the real you and I gave you everything I knew to give. Something wasn’t right. Something wasn’t enough. I can’t look at them without crying. I can’t remember you without dying.
Our castle is lost, buried in the sand of time. I can’t even remember what it looks like; I was never good at drawing castles.